Wading
October 18, 2004 at 8:36 PM

You know, do you ever get the feeling that you are being summoned to take a next step. Like God is directing you to something new, something further along in your path...but you don't know what it is? That's kinda where I am. I have been struggling for a few months now. I am just kinda floating along, in no particular direction, just trying to figure out how to get the fire back. I feel like I put my fire out a few months ago, and I cannot ignite it again. And at the same time I know that I haven't tried that hard. It's like, I know I'm squandering, confused, and jaded, yet I haven't stepped up and said, "Okay God, we're gonna fix this. I want to redevote my life to You." I don't know what it is, but being in this place is both uncomfortable, and comfortable. It's safe...but it's hard. And I guess that is why I have been wading around so much. Am I scared to move? Or am I just lazy and unwilling?

It's time. It's time for me to say it. My GOD, my Papa...I want to re-devote my life to You. TODAY. Now, in this moment I know that You have an amazing, beautiful plan for my life. And I know that I have pushed it away. I know that I have ignored You, and that I haven't really spoken to You in so long...And I know that You teach me most when I am hurting. And God I am hurting to find my passion again. Nothing has been as fulfilling as before. I still have a love for life, and an excitement and joy, and a love for the people You bring to me everyday, but I long to be satisfied in You. To be blown away by You, to be in Communion with You...and I feel like that hasn't happened in so long. I used to shout out my voice, and feel so passionate, and joyful and amazed...and now...

I feel a need to perform so badly, and the thing is, I am up on stage EVERY WEEK. I get to sing every week...but I have other desires...I don't know if they are from me, wanting to perform and have fun, or if they are from You, telling me I need to do more, step up, move to a new level...I just don't know. I just feel a hunger to perform. To really give myself...I can't explain it, I feel like I am fumbling for words as I try to explain, but I feel like my soul or my heart or my mind REALLY longs to give such a more passionate performance when I sing. I want to really feel it...But something in me, some fear always keeps me from that. It's like I ALMOST get there every time, and I push it away because I am fearful when all of those faces are staring back at me. How can I long so much to perform, then stand in front of those people and hold back because of fear...It's starting to take over me. Why can't they just disappear?
I want to perform at night, in a darker place, where their faces are a blur and I can feel freedom.

I do admit, I have had a vision lately off and on of leading a youth service, like for high school through college aged kids. And it would be at night, in a dark auditorium, and I could just release all my passions to You.

Lately, something's missing... something's empty in me...But I don't know where. I do know that wherever it is, only YOU can fill it. Only You are my answer, only YOU are constant, only YOU are my true love...Help me to be in love with You. Help me to find my passion again...help me to be left shaking again. How did it leave me?

I feel a lack of confidence now as well. I guess I go through these times a lot... I feel like I am terrible, I lack confidence, then eventually I come back up, however, sometimes that leads to an ego thing that I really have a problem with...Then I fall back down into a pit of self-doubt and I wade around for awhile until it all begins again. I feel like I want to do these musical things with my passion, and then I think...I am not good enough. What am I thinking?

And that's kinda where I am now. I feel like I can't be as good as I desire. I am not able to perform the way I feel passionate about. Once again, I find it so hard to explain...