I realized how much I missed this...
October 18, 2004 at 1:42 AM

Heyyyyy everybody!!! Who knows how many people that used to read this would even think about it now, since I haven't written in months!! So, if you're here reading again...THANKS!

I really just couldn't write for awhile, and tonight reading back on some of the things I wrote, I got very eager to write again...I love writing in this diary, so who knows, maybe it will start to be a regular thing again..

So...gosh where do I start. A lot has happened since I wrote last, so I'll just have to briefly touch on everything.

FIRST, and possibly MOST EXCITING...I finally made my CD!! It's amazing, I felt like it would never become a reality, and NOW, it seems like SO long ago! Like I have just always had it. But I guess that's true in a way. It has always been a part of my soul waiting to come out...

So that was a HUGE deal for me...HUGE. I can't explain it. In some ways it is still not real to me, and people have been so AMAZINGLY supportive through everything. My church family has held me up, and supported me, spiritually and financially, and have said nothing but good things...not to mention my family and friends.
Where will it go from here? I have no idea...I don't wanna know... While I am extrememly proud that I accomplished a life-long goal of mine, and I loved every second...My heart already longs for another one...I feel like I can do better you know? Not that I don't think I did pretty much the best i could do with what I had, but I feel like I have deeper, more amazing music inside of me that will come out soon, and has already started to make it's way...I am excited to continue writing and make a 2nd one very soon. People have asked me if I am sending my CD's to record companies and things like that, and for now, the answer is NO. Like I said, I am so proud of what we were able to accomplish, but yet...I feel like I personally can do better, and I don't want some producer guy to hear anything less than my greatest...Maybe that's selfish...egotistical..silly, I don't know. But I want to write more music, that is more ME. A lot of the songs I put on the CD were from a long time ago. Some of them first attempts at writing, but I basically put everything I had on the CD, even if I was no longer passionate about it. The next one will be all my heart, and nothing less...and that one will be the one that can represent ME, and my passions and my soul. I have already begun...

I found myself angry with You last night. I struggle constantly with love, and You know that. I struggle to find it and to let it find me. I want it so deeply, so strongly, and yet everytime I let fear in, and self doubt, and they overtake me. I believe they have kept me from love several times... So last night, I was thinking about it once again...I was watching Ladder 49, which is a beautiful movie that I absolutely loved...And a part of the movie really hit me. The guy has fallen in love with this girl, and the movie follows their progressing love, and it's beautiful...
And I noticed something...I noticed the way he looked at her. He gazed into her with such a passion and love. He couldn't keep his eyes off of her. My first reaction was jealousy as it usually is when I watch some lovey movie like that...but then in a quick instant, I got angry...And I voiced myself to God saying, "WHY?" I deserve love just as much as anyone else. I DESERVE as a human, made from God, made by God, to have someone who will look at me just that way. With those same eyes. Someone who will be completely in love with me. I began to think, "This is my right as a Child of God. It is my right to be loved in just that way. Just like it is everyone's right." And I began to get so angry...And I thought, "Why, why has this not happened? Why has it not even been close?" I really don't understand the way that love works. It seems to come so easy to some people...yet for me, it has never been easy. i have struggled with every part of love. And now...I don't knwo what to do. I don't feel pulled toward love in any direction. Sure I have had a few little crushes in the past months...but now, I don't know. I wonder each time I start to feel a little "crushed" on someone, if I really FEEL those things, or if I simply manufacture emotions because I WANT TO FEEL THEM. I have wondered that since I "FELT" all those things for Eric. I read back over a few diary entries tonight. There were many times when I didn't FEEL as strongly about him, but when I wrote, these words just flowed out of me about love and light, and I wonder sometimes if I produced emotions so that I could feel them...

Now today, being months later, I no longer look at Eric that way. I refer to him as my brother. And as I have said to Brianne, when I wondered if I was falling in love with him all those months ago...I think I probably was...but I was falling into a different love...A family love maybe..I don't know. All I know is my feelings have changed, and I guess that's a good thing becase nothing was ever going to happen with that. I probably knew it all along, but I wanted to hold on to hope that it would be the time when things were different.

I will write more soon, but I am tired...goodnight my loves...