Letting Go
December 06, 2003 at 10:08 PM

You know...the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm getting over you. In fact...I think I am over you. I don't deny the fact that you still make me feel so much...but now that's becoming less and less these days...I am seeing you through different eyes these days. I still see that wonderful side of you that I have fallen in love with...and yet I am seeing this new side to you...this new attitude that you have and I don't really like it...In fact, after some things I have heard you say I realize...you can kinda be an ASS...Really...who knew I would ever be able to say that...but maybe it's just that I am getting to know you more. And I am seeing a new side of you. You're comfortable around me, and not afraid to say...well probably anything.

I don't know...I just have different feelings for you lately. It's just different. My heart doesn't jump when you walk in the room. When I hugged you, it just wasn't the same. No...sparks. No heaven. I don't know if you changed or if I changed, but something is different. Maybe it's because I have seen you so much. Maybe it's that now that you're on to a new girlfriend...AGAIN...I have purposely backed off to protect my feelings. Maybe it's because I just know that there is no chance of an us...Maybe it's a combination of everything...but sadly...I don't know if I have even a crush on you anymore. I still of course think of you as a friend, that will never stop. And I still love being around you. I guess we just haven't had any "moments" in awhile. No sparks...no lightening. I don't know where it went, but I don't feel that giddiness, that happiness.

At the same time, I realize how easily I could feel all of those feelings all over again. I know how easily you could look at me...THAT WAY...and I could just fall all over again. And I know that we could hug again and I could curl into that place of perfection and comfort I have felt against your chest so many times. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of... Maybe I am trying to leave that all behind. I realize nothing will ever happen...at least not now. And maybe part of me doesn't want it to. Maybe part of me is saying stay away from you. Part of me knows how capable you are of hurting me. Especially because of the girls you have hurt. (I have seen you do it.) Especially since I love so easily. I refuse to let you break my heart more than I have already let you...

Well, in reality, I've broken my own heart...by thinking that maybe, just maybe, you would feel the same way I do. And now, I realize that that's impossible, at least right now...and that breaks my heart. I feel rejected without even having offered...I couldn't take you actually rejecting me..I couldn't handle that. So I choose to protect my heart...and...now I am so confused.

What part of me wants you? And what doesn't? I don't know. I don't know my own heart these days. I just wanna give up on love altogether. It seems so hopeless sometimes. Every situation has been the same...ending up here...where I finally give in and move on...until the next one...where I'll move on again...It's a vicious cycle that makes me wonder how much more of this my heart can take. When can this abundance of love I was born with finally be set free to flow from within me, and be shared with another soul? Why is it so hard to do something that comes so naturally to me? Why can't I just love.

I wanna love.. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I deserve to have that fairy-tale love that I desire, don't I? I deserve just like anyone else to meet someone and just fall madly in love. It shouldn't have to be such a struggle. When it feels like it will never happen.

I shouldn't have to feel so ugly and unworthy. I shouldn't have to feel like less than the other girls. But I do. How do I put that all behind me? It feels like I'll never know.