HER
November 04, 2003 at 1:43 AM

Ohhhhh....

I love this feeling

And yet I hate this feeling

I LOVE having a crush

And I hate wanting something that I can't have...

But just the thought of you brings this same smile to my face...

You surround my thoughts lately

You're everywhere

You're everything

You're soo....

Special

You're wonderful

And you make me feel special

Saturday night, I had no idea I would even see you. But you came....YOU CAME!!

We recorded again at Rob's and after everyone was there and we were getting started...your fine, fine, sweet ass walked in...

Were you there just because it's Rob's house and you and him are buddies?

Or did you just wanna JAM (you're getting so amazing on the guitar now....WOW. I'm more than just impressed)

Is it possible you came for me...I don't want to get my hopes up...

I don't know why you came...but you did. And I loved you being there.

And then, another surprise...Got to see you Sunday. Even though you didn't play...you came, and helped us clean up...God I love you...And you looked so handsome in your little polo shirt...

I had fun teasing you, and tickling you...and pinning your arms behind your back so Noah could tickle you. And YOU...pretending I was actually strong enough to hold your arms there...

And when I was leaving, I got a great big bear hug from Dwayne, as usual, and after a long drawn-out good-bye, I started to leave. You, (acting mad) yelled...."BYYYYE" and kinda glared at me...I can only hope in my mind that it was because you didn't get a "proper" good-bye...and maybe possibly hopefully wanted a hug. Cuz baby that's what you got....I LOVE HUGGING YOU. You feel so good against me.

You told me..."Have a good week until Tuesday. And then I'll tell you what to do after that..."

So then later on Sunday, Paige called to ask me about the concert which I wasn't sure if I was going to...but then I found out YOU were going...And so...yeah...I'm gonna be there. So, today I got up and leaving for work, I saw a message on my phone. I checked it and about fell over when I heard YOUR voice...YOU...you called to ask if I was for sure going...Your beautiful voice was and is now permanently saved, and brightened my day each time I played it (only a few thousand times...right?) Then...a little later...ANOTHER MESSAGE, telling me the details of tonight and where to go....Can I be that blessed to hear your wonderful sound, your wonderful name on my phone? You're incredible...I felt tears welling up in my eyes when I heard those messages....You talked to me...sorta...and I loved it...all 30 seconds worth...

So of course I saw you tonight....again.....And when I got to you, we greeted each other with a great big hug that felt so perfect, so right. You looked absolutely genuinely happy to see me...And I wrapped my hand around the back of your neck and took every bit of you into me. Every bit of your love and light that I could hold at that moment...Every bit of you, holding every bit of me...If I could stop time, I'd stop it in that very moment and find my eternity curled inside your arms. You make me...HAPPY

And it's not like I spent every second with you like I wished I could. But for the entire second act I was right there with you, watching your every move. Talking back and forth with you about...You know...whatever...and you were great. You were excited to tell me that you dyed your hair...BLACk...you silly...and arguing about what's better, BLUE or RED...(I say I win...RED's way better...)

And for a little while I just got to experience you. To just talk...something i have always wanted...

The night may have been perfect, if it hadn't been for ...HER

Isn't there always a HER in a situation like this.

Lonely, love-seeking hopeless falls for someone who makes her smile that goofy dopey smile for no reason at all, and makes her daydream and fantasize...and along comes HER. She's always there. Would it be a hopeless romantic situation if there wasn't?

And this HER...isn't the same HER as before...NO no, he's moved on. Sounded like a good thing to me at first, (although he doesn't seem to do well with girlfriends...he's developing a not so great reputation for this) but now it's just like before. There's always someone better than me...They can give me all the attention they want, and tease me with their looks, their smiles, their smells...but when it comes down to it...She's always better than me. In some way...I'm always not good enough. But I still am always there. Oh yes, I'm always the friend. ALWAYS.

So...once again, I see you give her the looks I wish were directed my way. Those looks I'll never stare back into. Just gaze at them from far away and fall into a fantasy where her body becomes mine, and I become yours...Although lately those dreams only leave me in tears...

When will I have my love...When?

When will I become her...the object of your affection. More than a "hey pal" and a pat on the shoulder. More than a hug...more than a friend...more than a person...but a flame.

When will you see me the way I see you...