Love Prayer
October 01, 2003 at 12:14 AM

I don't know what it is I want to write...

I want to write about love or life or wishes or something, but it won't come out.

Probably because I've written it all before. I've said those words, and I can't stand to speak them even once more. No more crying, no more hurting, no more hopelessness, no more longing. God, no more. Please. No more wondering, falling, dying... No more "him's." Just me. Being me. Loving me.

And then surrenduring. Surrenduring to God everything I hold on to and cling to and desire and hope for. Giving it all to Him. Placing my life in His hands, and letting go of all worries and doubts. Knowing that He knows. Knowing that He can fix and mend and shape and heal, and bring me to every ectasy that exsists for me in this life.

If I can just let go. Stop trying so damn hard. Stop trying to "fix" me. His hands can mold me, and my life into everything I have ever dreamed of...If I will only let Him. But I can't let go of what I have taken to be mine. I can't let go of my control, and my hurt, and my doubts. Why? Because I don't trust. I don't believe that it will ever happen. My love, my dreams. I don't believe that they are a reality. I forget that through Him, I can create all things I have hoped for. I forget to be everything that's in me. I care too much what other's think, and too little what He thinks. I pray and pray but I don't understand what I lack. What holds me back. I don't see...Maybe I refuse to see, maybe I am not meant to see...and still I am longing.

I just want what others seem to have so easily. I want to love myself, and I am well on my way. And I want to give love UNCONDITIONALLY. And I do, only in some ways. And I want to receive love, which I do. God has blessed me with so many people I am deeply in love with.

But God I want more. I want a fairy-tale come to life. I want holding hands and long walks and kisses and hugs. I want to be the princess who finds her prince. I want to feel like a Goddess. I want what any person in this world deserves more than anything. Someone to love, and someone to love me back.

I surrender. I give all. Take it.

I try too hard. I beg, I plead, I push...So take it.

I cry, I hurt, I break, I fall.

TAKE IT.

Take it all away.

Show me how to be what You've created me to be, and to live my life in this moment. In this day, in this body, doing what I was made for...to love others, to love You, to bring people into Your joy and love, and to live my life for a reason.

Take away all the fear, and the worry, and help me to just be. Just be ME. Not what they want me to be.

Lead me to love that way.

Not giving love to get love. But giving love because I am love, given unto a shape. I am light and love and power, and I want to share it with the world.

Fill my body, my mind, my soul with love and with You.

This is my prayer and my plea, that You'll send me my love in this way.

I can't wait much longer. Without my love, I am nothing...