Muuuusic
September 23, 2003 at 2:38 PM

“Tried to write a letter

To tell you how I feel

But all I kept on writing

Was slipping on the tears from the day

When I was young and brave

Now all these hotel lobbies are filled with what’s to me

Lonely midnight drivers

Drifting out to sea

And all those late night lovers

Don’t make things better to me

So let it roll into me

Let it roll into you

Let it roll into me

Let it roll back into when I had you

So I’ll watch the snow come calling

And I’ll celebrate the spring

I’ll feel the falls keep falling

And when the summers come

I will pretend that I don’t notice

That this is when I notice most of all

So let it roll into me

Let it roll into you

Let it roll into me

Let it roll back into when I had you

And all you ever wanted for me

Was the time to understand

And all I ever wanted for you

Was to see me shining for you

And I wish that I could be back in the day that I could say

Let it roll

Let it roll into me

Let it roll

Let it roll into you

Let it roll back into when I had you”

-Train

For some reason I have a lot to say today, so be prepared...I strted writing this on Sunday actually...

I listened to this song today for the first time in a long time today. And it is so...ME. This is how I feel. And I had to put the words down, and read through them, and just feel that for a little while. Oh God, is he close? I’m gonna go crazy...

On a little different note...I did have an awesome day. I had for the first time in a long time, a “HAPPY WITH ME” day. I felt good to be me. A few days ago, I dyed my hair this dark brown reddish purpley color, and then today I had a great hair day. I used this cool gel and got my hair to be all curly and scrunchy, and flirty fun looking. I didn’t even know my hair was naturally curly, but WHOA, it is. Then I had a great makeup day, and I wore a cute new shirt. And for the first time in a quite awhile, I felt SEXY... It’s funny for me to even be able to say that, but I did. I felt pretty today. And well, I still do. And it felt good to be in this body, and be this girl. With all my curves, with everything. I’m a sexy little bitch. HA HA...right...

I have a few decisions to make lately. But I’ll talk about this one big one. I have this awesome oppurtunity...Will is trying to get a Youth praise team for the highschool youth group on Sunday nights. And of all the poeple at our church, he and Deb decided that I could be the one to do it. I feel extremely honored and flattered that they would consider me...But I have to decide, am I the one to do this? I’ve got a lot more praying ahead of me so that I know for sure that this is what God wants me to do. I’ve never taken an authority role in my entire life. I’m always the pushover that says, “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” So having any sense of authority or a leadership role is something completely foreign to me. But when I’ve prayed and thought about it, I’ve gotten so excited, and even the worries, (There are a quite a few) just seem more like challenges. Like obstacles and fears that I have that I need to develop into strengths, and what a better way to do it...I’m so ecstatic and honored and amazed, and in some ways so ready that I am getting eager. But this is something that can’t happen until winter at the soonest if not January next year. But that’s okay. This is gonna take a lot of mental and spiritual preparation, and all I can do is get even more and more excited. It’s funny how I keep saying I have to decide...but in my heart, it’s been yes from the moment I first heard about it.

We recorded more again on saturday. And as usual I was nervous as hell, but it was better. I felt good about it. We got through things quickly and even with the drum beat he played in my ear, I managed to stay with it and we got through the osng almost all the way once without me screwing up, and then the second time I actually did make it all the way through. So we had two really good takes, and we were done fairly quickly, it was way less nerve racking than I thought. Then when we were done, I came out of the room and there was everybody who was going to homecoming that night, all standing in the main room. They had all been listening and so I freaked out and slammed the door shut again. I had to take a moment, and then I was able to open the door again, and go out. I'm so glad I didn't know before that they were in there or I wouldn't have been able to sing. YIKES....So soon, I'll have another recording. One step closer to my DREAM....life's so good...

Well I know I had much more to say, but somehow this is all that’s able to come out right now. So, more again soon...I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU