CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 31, 2003 at 2:02 PM

Wow. I couldn't sleep at all that night because I was wayyyy too excited. Finally, FINALLY I got up the guts to go record some music. My music. I did it. Dwayne kinda half way tricked me into going to Rob's after our drum lesson on Wednesday. (Which by the way was so fun. I can't until he gets back from vacation and we can start again. I love the drums!!!) I was a nervous wreck. I had to sing and play my song (We only tried out one that night) for them and try to tell them how it goes. It was so hard, and embarassing, and weird, and....cool. We made a "scratch track" for one of my songs which consisted of just me and my guitar. Then the guys came in and Dwayne played drums while I played and sang and we recorded that on another track. Then Rob messed with the levels and stuff a little bit and played it back, and it was....WOW. It sounded like a real song. It was almost too much to take, because...I wrote that. I created that...And now it's playing, it's real. And just with the drums added in, it was like, "Wow, I didn't know the song could sound different..." It sounded really good. I could finally see potential, and it got me so excited...

I couldn't picture what it would be like, but here I was listening to it. I kinda wanted to cry out of excitement and amazement, but I held it back...

My dream is coming true. I'm gonna have a CD soon...It's becoming real. It may not be in some Hollywood studio, but I'm going to make a CD. And it's gonna be the realization of a life long dream. It's possible, and I never would have thought that when I was little. It was too far away, too impossible to grasp, but now, I realize that it's not. It's right here in front of me. It's completely within my reach, and I have the power to make it happen. God gives me strength and courage, and I can do it. We are doing it.

It's amazing the way God puts people in your life. A year ago, I didn't know any of these people, and so quickly I have become close to them, and they've taken me in and showed me nothing but support and love and encouragement. I never would have thought that even if I could write a song that I would ever be able to let someone hear it, let alone play it, or put it down on a CD....for people to hear...but because of so much love and encouragement, i am empowered to do this, and now I even know some awesome amazing musicians that can make it sound really good. I can't believe I am living in this dream. It's incredible. It's all happened so quickly, and it's just amazing. God You are amazing...

So, Rob mixed the track, and added some stuff in, and I FINALLY got to hear it today. (Him and Dwayne seemed to share it with everyone else before I even knew they had made a CD of it. Made me kinda mad, but it's okay, it just means that they support me and are excited, so I have to look at it from that point of view...)And the track is...not bad! It's not great, but for goodness sake we were in the guy's basement, so for it to even sound that good is pretty awesome. But it actually came out pretty good. It's a good keepsake to have cuz it's like the first time my song's ever been on a CD, and that will always be something really special. However it's just a scratch track, and it's only 2:35 long because that's as far as we got before I cracked up and stopped. That part's on there too which is cool, because I will forever have that picture in my head of Dwayne stopping playing and then banging random drums really hard when we both messed up, and then cracking up. It's so special that I can have someone I love so dearly working with me and supporting me. It makes it all seem so right, so perfect. In perfect order.

So...from here. I made Dwayne the world's worst most crappiest tape of my other songs. Just me and my guitar sittin' in my living room singing into my stereo. It's just really awful, but the point is to give him an idea of how each song goes and what the changes are, so that when we do this again, he'll have some idea of what I'm doing. I'm just hoping that it serves it's purpose because my tape player on my stereo is messed up and so the sound is shaky. It's sounds like I was jumping up and down, or someone was shaking me while I was playing. It's such a crappy horrible recording, and I just feel bad that he has to even hear it, but then I also made him promise NO ONE ELSE will hear it. It's bad enough he's gotta hear it, and I hate that he has to, but he's about the only one that I know will understand that it won't sound that crappy eventually. Poor guy. It's really awful...

So yeah, that about catches me up...Hopefully the week after next when he's back we'll have a second drum lesson, and maybe go and do the same thing over at Rob's, but we'll have more songs to do. It still freaks me out, but once I got past my singing parts, it all became so fun because I saw so much possibility, and got so excited to hear things added in, and there's just so many cool things that can happen to make it sound like a real song, a real CD...I just love this...

And now, Eric...I wanna say thank you for being my friend. That's what we are right now, friends.... and that feels good. I love to be around you and play and have fun and be a kid. Maybe that's how it always was. And for right now, that's what it feels good to be. I want to be around you and I am. And I love it. You're...cool. And we have fun, and I like that. And in the future...who knows. You seem to go through girls pretty fast these days. But I think maybe in the future, you just never know, maybe an US will be a possibility, maybe not. But I'm not gonna worry about it. I'm just gonna love you like you know I do, and enjoy you being you, and that feels pretty damn good. You were lots of fun today. I love it once you've had your coffee and you get hyper. You're so cute and so free and so fun. And today you told me like two different times that the CD (the demo thing) was pretty good. And you kept telling me I should listen to it. You were reassuring me because you heard it before I did, and it always makes me feel good that you are so encouraging.

And it makes me laugh now that I am remembering Wednesday night, I was sitting in the chair in Rob's studio and you came in while I was waiting to record. And you asked me,

"Are you nervous?"

And I of course said yes.

"Do you need to throw up? The bathroom's right there..."

And that's when I chased you out. You're such a nerd...You love to tease me. But I don't mind. I can only hope it means you love me just like I love you. You're a great person. A great, goofy, nerdy person, and I love you. Thank you for being so supportive...

Okay I am so totally done now. I've been typing for like an hour...geesh. Thanks for listening again.