Cycles
August 25, 2003 at 9:28 PM

I think I'm gonna see him tomorrow night. I'm kinda scared. What if feelings are still there. What if they're not. I have to admit, since I heard I haven't thought much about you. Are my feelings gone? Or did I just push them away when I found out. Why were they so easy to dismiss. Were they strong in the first place. Is it possible I was in love with a possibility, a hope, a desire. And not so much with YOU. I know I wasn't in love, but I guess I hoped I could fall in love. Maybe it didn't matter if it was you. Maybe it did. I have so many mixed feelings. Maybe I do need to see you. But I have a feeling I'm gonna see you. And I'm gonna smile that goofy smile. And I'm gonna wanna hug you. And I'm gonna see you smile, and I'm gonna feel all fluttery and goofy, and I'm gonna do everything I can all night to make sure you keep smiling because that's what I do with you. And I guess if that's what we should be, then that's it. Right? Is that it?

I just wish i could find the one already. i just wanna meet and fall in love with the person who I will marry and have children with and be with for the rest of my life. Just that one. I don't think it matters to experience a lot of people. God just gimmie ONE. That's all...

I was just thinking about Staind's song, "Break the Cycle." Meaning, breaking repetitive patterns of behavior that cycle us into places we don't want to be. People we don't want to be. Things we don't want to do. Things we can't get out of.

I wanna break my cycle. I wanna break the fear and the insecurity, all those things that make me who I'm not...I wanna break that cycle. Because it's breaking me