A Million Questions For You
June 26, 2003 at 10:18 PM

I wonder if you know what you do to me...

The way you make me feel so giddy...

I'm sitting here thinking about you, like I do a lot these days. I'm gonna miss you when you go to Mexico, but you won't even know...Because I can't bring myself to tell you. Fear of rejection is a terrible thing...

I just talked to your Dad. And I'm wishing that I could talk so freely to you. That I wouldn't have to clam up, or keep myself from saying the things that I want to say...That you give me even more reason to be happy. That you make me happy to the point that I could jump and scream, and cry... That you make tuesday nights, and sundays the brightest days of my week. That each time I see you I fall a little more. And that each time you smile, I wanna throw my arms around your neck feel that light that radiates from your whole body...

I could name a thousand reasons you make me smile, but seeing you imitate your Dad playing drums has to be one of the best...You look just like him, you know that? Oh my God, it still makes me laugh...

And when i whistled at Bill for having the sexy guitar on, I think you thought I whistled at you, because you smiled at me. Like a thank you...aww...

And you laughed that sexy cute laugh when I couldn't hit that note, and I made that face, and crossed my eyes. You cracked up like a little kid. Oh God, I could have married you right then...

And why can't I tell you.

Because I have this fear...

I have so much fear living inside of me.

I just know that he doesn't feel the same.

I mean I know he likes me as a person. We have fun, we laugh, A LOT...

But really, can anyone tell me....how do you know when it's past being just friendly. How do I know if we're flirting, or if it's just some crazy fantasy in my head...

How do I know...

I would never say anything to him unless I knew that he had some kind of feelings for me...and I don't know that he does. Right now, we laugh and have fun. And he shows no interest in it being anything but laughing tuesday nights and sunday mornings.

And that's what kills me.

I mean I've been so bold as to think about marrying him....and I bet when he leaves, he never gives me another thought.

Not all week.

And when he does, what do you think he feels?

What goes through him when he hears my name...

What am I to him...

Well, I don't know what to think. I don't feel like I know much of anything anymore. I don't understand life. I don't understand my path, I don't understand boys, especially you...

What am I gonna do?

Am I ever going to feel brave enough to tell you...

Are you ever going to feel some of this? I just want you to feel it for a moment. Just one moment of longing, of torture. The way I feel when I am standing right next to you, and I know that I CAN'T TOUCH YOU. As bad as I want to. I can't. As bad as I want to run my fingers through your too long hair that I LOVE...As bad as I want to hold your hands forever, touch and study them, each curve and line and freckle. Listen to you play the piano, watch you drum, watch you play with the little kids, watch the way they follow you around. As bad as I want to know you, spend hours talking to you into the night, lay with you, hold you, laugh with you...AND I CAN'T.

Just feel that for a minute. Let it drive you crazy. Let it make you want to scream. Let it make you cry. Let it rush through your veins, race through your mind...

Then you'll know how I feel. You'll know my every thought, my every wish, my prayer. You'll know me. If you would just take the time.

If you would just let me in...

Please....