Mixed...
June 08, 2003 at 6:25 PM

I feel so many things, how do I say them all, and in words.

I feel full. Full of ideas, of music, of faith, of praise, of you God. I feel full, almost overflowing. I loved every minute of this week, Thank You. I needed this...

At the conference, I bought this book about what to do "until love finds you"...I know, I'm a cheeseball. But I just had to read it. I gotta see if there's something I'm missing. What am i doing wrong? What's wrong with me? How am I supposed to wait? Do I just stand there like some dumb-ass on a curb and wait for Mr. Fucking Right to carry me off. No, I don't think so. Do I go out looking? No, I tried that...I'm on a constant search, everyone in my periferal vision a potential candidate to fall in love with. That's a huge mistake, because I start to dream, and fantasize, and it always ends in disappointment. ALWAYS. Every crush I hqave ever had has ended up in disappointment. And it's my own fault for getting attached. Can't someone get attached to me for once. Just once.

My only hope right now is Chris. I just don't know about him. Something in me has always been fighting it. He can be immature, which it's not like I'm ALWAYS mature, but I mean I wonder if I could hold a decent conversation with him. He tries really hard to be cool. Which can be cute, but gets annoying. I wanna just yell at him and tell him to be himself.

I think he shows interest. he always talks to me, follows me around, proposes (which is very cute...ahhh...)

But I don't know what he's after...does he want a friend? That's what usually happens. It happened with Kris, with Ryan, with Eric, and it feels like it may never end. But something still makes me hopeful. His smile...his smile makes me hopeful. I mean he did ask me to marry him, multiple times. Many would think that was a sure sign, but I have been hurt too many times. Too many broken hearts. Too many, "I like you as a friend" looks. Too many other girls, too little to offer, always lacking. I'm used to that. My entire life has promised never ever being good enough for any of them. I'm always missing that one thing that they want. I wish I knew what it was...but apparently I don't have it.

Chris...I don't know what to do about you. I'm afraid, terrified. Everytime I've ever cared back, they pull back, all of them. But if I don't put my heart out there, how will they be able to take it? Does that mean I need to try, everytime, until it works? But it hurts, God it hurts.

I've been playing with you. I've been pushing you away, because I'm scared, because I want you too, because I don't want you, because I'm afraid it will be like every other time...what do you want from me????

Well, tomorrow maybe i will know something...After being gone, maybe you missed me? No...maybe...I want to ask him...maybe tomorrow...maybe...

Oh love, run to me, oh love enfold me. Cradle me in the warmth of your presence, and show me what it means to be in love...