So Much on My Mind...
January 26, 2003 at 10:45 PM

I have so much to say...So many awesome things are happening...and some changes too. I hate change, but you know it always happens for a reason, so I have to let it...

Daryl, (my guitar teacher, and now, friend) is moving to Puerto Rico. This has been an issue for months now. I understand he's gotta work, but it feels like he didn't try hard enough. And I know that that's just me, upset to see him go. He was going to be involved in my CD. Now he won't. We were going to play places. We were gonna have a REAL GIG...and never did. He was busy, and being shipped from place to place to find temp work, and we never went through with it. We had a lot of great intentins...it feels like all of that is gone. And I've loved getting to know him.

Do you kow what he said last night? That I should audition for American Idol. HA. He was serious too, my brother too. What I love is that no matter what I do, I have an unlimited supply of support and encouragement. ALWAYS. ( And don't tell, but it kinda got me thinking about it, even though I swore I'd never go on that show...you never know)

So, it's hard to see Daryl go. It is awful timing, and it's so quick. He's only got about 3-4 weeks left. And then that's it.

Now, I am one to always TRY to look at the bright side, so I found somethings to get excited about while talking to him last night. He's moving to Puerto Rico!! I get to go and visit! I am in love with that idea. They have a rainforest that should be amazing, and I will get to see him then. AND, we talked lightly of playing some music in Puerto Rico. Like, going somewhere and playing. THAT would be incredible. To go to Puerto Rico, and sing, and have a big party...I love it. I love that idea. And I will make a trip down there to see him, I couldn't pass up an oppurtunity to do the one thing I love the most in a place that is known for it's amazing beauty...

Another good thing...he may only have to stay a year. It's not certain, but a year goes by so fast, that if he does only stay for one, he'll be back in no time... If...

So, it's been disappointing and exciting all at the same time, but i know it will work for the best. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Besides all of that, he and Bill and I are going to try to get out and play at the pub before he goes. We only have a couple of weeks to get ready, but it's easy material, so we should have it down in no time. I'm excited to play with Bill, he's playing on the CD this summer as well, and I want to get cofortable with him, so that we can work together as well as I am envisioning. So, I am gonna start working on some music for that. It's gonna be great...And I can invite my family and friends, and it will be like a big party too...

More things to talk about...my brother is gonna take drum lessons from Dwayne! I am so ecstatic about this because one, HE GONNA PLAY DRUMS! I love to see him excited about music. Ever since I have gotten so involved in music, he's started to show a lot more interest that i know was always there...but now we like, have that in common, it's so great...I can't wait because there are so many cool things that could happen, who more would I want in a band with me than my brother.

Also, him getting to know Dwayne is so good for him, I can't even describe...As far as I know, he doesn't really have any Christian friends, and so this might be the way to bring him back. Not that I believe bad things will happen to him if he doesn't go to church, I just would love to see him with all the happiness that I have, and to have that fulfillment in his life. He's lived without church for a long time.

I knew that there must be some sort of plan for me to be singing at this new church. It felt a bit selfish at first, but it was there that I first realized the power that I, and everyone has to change lives. I see that I can impact people, and that is so empowering. Now, with my brother getting to know the same people at church that I know, I think he's getting closer to stepping inside the door. He's already said that he's going to come some week to watch. And it may take awhile, but I feel very patient about this. I am so sure that this will be good for him in the end, that I don't mind if it takes awhile. I'm just gonna keep the door open for him, he'll come when he's ready. And I know that with him knowing Bill and Dwayne both now, they will be great influences. They're the perfect guys for him to come in contact with. They are super super nice, they have great families, they aren't DORKS, or "Bible Thumpers" as some people view Christians. I am so glad that he can get to see the "cool" side of Christians. They are not all in your face, and speaking of the "wrath of God"...they are normal, everyday, cool people. And some of them have led some not-so-great lives in the past. They have had their faults, and failures, and some of them are pretty big...so they, if anyone, can be the ones to show him that God loves him anyway. No matter what. And that it's never too late, and that something must be missing in his life without having that special kind of joy that people find in their churches. That they find within themselves. Oh, I am just so excited because we've prayed for him, for this...and you know what. PRAYER WORKS.

More amazing things coming up with music...Dana asked me to sing a song that she wrote that is absolutely beautiful...not just that, but it's like...ME. I don't know much how to describe it, but it starts out very soft, and intense, and all of a sudden, turns into this awesome groove kind of song that embodies the type of music that I live for. It's very ME. I love it and am so honored, and amazed and I can't wait to learn all of it, and sing it...I think that's in March..

THEN...(I apologize for such a long entry, bless you if you made it this far...I just have so much to talk about...) Deb picked out a song for me to sing during our "relationship" series..."Respect" by Aretha Franklin...I really can't put into words how much I love that song, always have, and how much I've always wanted to sing it. Aretha Franklin is the QUEEN...She's amazing...It's like a dream song for me...There's something else too. My mom said that my Dad used to sing that all the time when he performed. She said he was so great at it, and used to scream and wail on it...I hope he'll be singing through me when that day comes. It feels like maybe I'll be making him proud...

More awesome things...THE MOTET's coming back!!!! March 1st, my most favorite band is coming back and Liz and I get to promote again, and I am so excited! They make me so happy. They are so inspiring...And I am gonna try to get a bunch of people to come and see them. I just hope they don't mind that I'm gonna be dancing my ass off. You just can't help it...they are so moving. Oh, YAY...I can't wait!!

Oh, and there's even more music stuff happening, a conference this summer that I am going to, hopefully, (money permitting.) There's the JAM that we get to have in the park in July, that will be soooo much fun...There's the concert I may go to next week to see Tim Reynolds...Music is good to me.

I couldn't get through the entry without saying this....That I think I am really falling for him. He's on my mind everyday. I have visions of something happening with us. More vivid than any guy ever before it seems. It feels strange to have a crush, but it's bringing back those wonderful butterflies, and smiles, and twinkling eyes that I used to live for. I just see him in my life. I see him fitting in so well. It's like I can already feel what it would be like just to hold him. For him to hold my hand...I love those things, and they leave so much to look forward to. But...what if I'm wrong. What if after all of this, he's still not it. I'm still gonna be alone. I have to say that I wonder if I can take it much longer. I wonder if I'm just gonna break down. I hate feeling that hopelessness, but it seems to follow me into my love life, or lack of. Maybe it's just that I let hoplessness in...Maybe I am refusing to be loved somehow...I don't know. I don't even know what to think anymore. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about him, and I can't stop picturing myself in his arms, and I hate waiting to see if something's going to happen because what if I miss my chance with him. And I only get to see him once a week, sometimes for only a couple hours (and we're working) and sometimes even less than that. How do I invite him into my life? It doesn't seem like he's making any moves, so do I have to? I don't even know if he's interested. I don't even know if he's already with someone. I don't even know if I am falling for him, or fallng for the idea of being in a relationship...It's all so foreign, and yet exciting and intriguing to me.

Oh what in the world am I going to do? I can't stop thinking abot him. And I don't know how to tell him that.

Something very small did happen though, and it gave me hope. He smiled at me...I know, it sounds stupid, but...it was the way that he did it. Almost like he was trying not to smile, but it came anyway...sorta the way that I try not to smile at him, and it happens anyway...Is that my sign? Or maybe I had something in my teeth, or my nose that made him smile...I just don't even know anymore...

Okay, you know I think I am finally done? Phew...I feel like I got so much off my chest, thanks for listening if you still are...I tell you I was even getting worn out... :) Bless YOU!

I hope that all of you are just as amazing as always, and know I love you...